dear diary

Bismillāh

Dear my diary, yang udah nemenin aku selama ini. Tempat curhat kedua untukku selain Allāh.

Aku sepi, aku sulit bercerita tentang apa yang aku rasakan kepada orang lain, sampai akhirnya aku sadar, semua ku pendam dan memuncak pada emosiku.

Kemarin, hal tersedih, terkesal dan termarah. Aku sampai memukul2 dinding dengan tangan dan kakiku. Karena aku ga bisa mengungkapkan apa yg sedang aku rasakan. Aku kesal musik dibelakang. Subhanallāh..

Dan akhrny pagi ni ku datangi rmh tersebut dan masih kudengar musik.. laa haula wala quwwata ila billah. 

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it's not

You know those days 

When you feel bizarre uneasiness within?

It's not nausea;

Although you wish throwing up would help

Or a glass of lemonade would ease.

It's not a rumbling tummy or a throbbing headache

Though it seems to partially linger in your head.

It's not something that can be healed

With activated charcoal or a dose of paracetamol

You can't bring yourself to work,

Neither physically nor mentally

Although it's not your body that hurts

Neither your heart, brain or any of the organs

You can sense it's something else

But what else is there to hurt?

And although you rest when you fall in sujood and stay there,

It can't seem to heal.

Perhaps you're just not devoted enough

You cannot bring yourself it, you just fail to

Like all your other endeavours

Or you just don't have the words to seek Allah's help

So, you just lie there shrivelled

Like a feeble foetus

Until you summon all your strength

And pick your succumbed self up

Cuz there's no one else who would

You perform wudhu

Like a defeated soldier,

Slouch down in a couch

Hold the Quraan and recite it through

You don't pick a chapter

You don't choose a verse

You just read from where the bookmark was

And the words that you read

Those exact words -

Not the translation, neither transliteration -

Just the way Allah has beautifully composed it in Arabic

Allah's pure words - as they flow into you

They heal you from within

Diving into the unknown, the unseen

The essence of your existence

The very soul of your being.

Ya Allah, thank you for blessing us with Al Quraan Al Kareem - the elixir of our wounded souls.

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unspoken word -1

Semenjak kembali lg hadirnya dia, dan memunculkan lg kecemasan dan ketakutan. Seakan akan ntah knp aku ga bs hdup normal. Aku berharap aku ga akan ngrasain hal ini.

Karena sakit yg ga bs berdarah it membuat aku seakan akan muak dg diriku sndri. Knp aku harus merasakan hal ini?

Aku mncb trs berpikir positif dan menghapus semua pikiran negatif. Tapi aku sadar, kini waktu semakin berkurang. Dan aku sadar, aku harus lari sendiri mengejar mimpi.

Karena tempat berkeluh kesah itu berkurang waktunya dan kesempatannya. Hai blog, kamu mau kn nemenin aku lg?

Udah lama aku ga numpahin segala hal disini, setiap harinya.

Aku terkadang merasa lelah dan aku yakin setiap org pst merasakanny. Jika setiap istri memiliki anak yg bs membuatnya tertawa dan menangis, membantu dlm harian, tapi aku hanya bs mlakukan smuany sndri.

Sadar, bhwa suami pun sbuk dg harianny, kerjaannya, pikirannya dan keluarganya. Jadi cukup aku berkelana dg pikiranku, kegiatanku. Mencoba utk mengabaikan hal2 yg ga akan bs aku jangkau.. 

Biarlah itu menjadi cerita nanti.. ga akan semua orang tau & mengerti..

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